It's Happening So Fast, Part 1

Well.

I had my last class of midwifery school. Ever.

It's surreal. My final is this week, and it's going to be hard, as it should be. But I'm done with classes... like, there are no more... like, I never have to sit through a midwifery class again. Meaning I've almost, actually, done this thing that I set out to do. True, I have all of integration to go... a lot can happen in 3 months (integration is from mid January to mid April) and I have the comprehensive exit exam at the end of it, but that's its own challenge. And of course I have to finish my thesis. But the challenge of sitting through classes every week, both midwifery and nursing classes, is over.

I've been here for two and a half years. I've sat through a few interesting lectures and discussions, and that's much appreciated. I've had people say one small thing that sends my mind into overdrive, excited about going home and reading up on it, intrigued. I've witnessed some very strong midwives juggle research, clinical practice, family commitments, and call shifts all at the same time. I am so grateful to have witnessed this juggle up close so that I can make a better decision about where I want to go from here. I have met talented, bright people who I would not have ever known, and even if we don't keep in touch, I am glad to have met them. I have studied at tables in rooms of buildings where I was never supposed to step foot- with other students who get what that means. I've met the people who conduct the research I respect... people who I would have never met if I had not left home. I've seen artwork other people read about in books. I've been taught by women who are historically respected in this profession- even if I choose to think a little more critically about who they are what they've done. I've had more opportunities than I ever thought I'd have access to. I've been inspired to write about my own life, and the other brown faces that have contributed so much to this profession without much recognition. I LEARNED A LOT ABOUT MYSELF THAT I COULD NOT HAVE LEARNED IN ANY OTHER SETTING.

But I've spent the last 2.5 years in windowless classrooms, sometimes bored out of my mind. I've had a lot people say some of the most racist, non-checked bullshit I've ever heard in a classroom, which left me angry, distracted, and near tears. I won't miss that. I won't miss those disparity statistics being presented without context, that left me feeling less than on so many days in class. I won't miss the blatant disrespect people have for poor people that they don't think twice about sharing because they have no idea that the people they speak of are sitting right there in the room with them. No, I won't miss that at all. I will not miss the assault on my sense of self-worth... the feeling of impending loss of sanity... the acute sense of being distinctly outside of community. No, I'm not going to miss that at all.

Several people said that they got a little sad when they realized we were all together (whole nursing class of nearly 100) for the last time in our last class of the day. I didn't feel that. I felt intense joy. Giddiness. My friend emailed me in class and said she couldn't believe it was almost over! I emailed back "OMG OMG OMG!!!!!" and that's exactly how I felt. So. friggin. excited. So happy that I did not, ever, have to sit through another nursing class. I felt like I could breathe again. After that we had a reception at school. A classmate made some smart ass comment about what was available to me to eat per her usual entitled, judgmental self. Then I let everything I had been wanting to say to her about her comments in the classroom indirectly directed at me and her blatant disrespect come tumbling right on out. Since the moment she looked me in my face and verified that she didn't care whether I graduated with the class or not, I've kept myself a safe distance from her. Everyone had been tiptoeing around this girl, upset at her disregard for the rest of the people in our class- talking over people, answering questions posed to the teacher, and more. Well, I knew it would happen; I knew I was going to blow soon but I never thought I could be so civil... musta been the champagne- I was in a happy mood, lol. So, I drank good stuff, ate lots of chocolate, said what I had needed to say for so long, and enjoyed every minute of it.

Now I'm working on a final paper for a nursing class.