Breathe Easy, You've Found Me ((HUGS))

People will wonder why this blog is needed, why minority midwifery student? It's very simple actually; I was looking for this blog...but I couldn't find I created it. We all have unique experiences, and every experience, every story, can help someone else. I am a black girl from the hood at an ivy league professional school. That, alone, is reason enough to write. Somebody was looking for this blog. Someone wanted proof that what I'm doing can be done - even when you come from where we come from.

To that person especially, WELCOME.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

The Bliss Before the Breakdown

First, I'm done. I actually finished the semester. I don't know how successfully, but finished nonetheless. There was a moment during the exam, at the second to last page, where I didn't know the answer to one single question. 10 questions. All on one page. I just laughed. And laughed. And laughed, sometimes even out loud, but I don't think every one is in their own mental hell and didn't really pay attention or care. I just had this feeling of... bliss. Like, you know? There aint nuthin I can do about the fact that I forget to study hepatitis in pregnancy. I mean I didn't study one ounce of it. The questions were over hep B and C, comparisons of which is more dangerous, ect, whether you get hep c from contaminated water (yes) etc. I knew none of those answers. The other questions on the page were about asthma. ugh. and bronchitis. random. So, I laughed as I looked at that page full of guesses.

And then I turned the page.

Last night I drank something that tasted like a cross between champagne and white wine... it was a German Riesling and it was great. Over the semesters I have developed a tradition for how I handle the night before a big exam. I study all day, then, I stop at a decent hour, somewhere between 9 and 11. Then I usually take a shower and get something ready to wear for the next day. Then I have a drink. A good one. More than one. And I relaaaaaaaaaaax. Then the next morning I look at my one most important sheet... it's titled "I will not go into this exam not knowing:" And has the things that I feel are most important or that I've been running from/skipping over while studying. It also includes lab values, etc that I feel are basic and should be able to answer off the top of my head. I only allow myself one page, and no tricks like writing really tiny. It give me something to say "ok, if I don't know anything else, I know this." This whole ritual has really helped me keep myself in check in that time the night before and the morning before an exam. Of course not much on my list was actually on the exam this time, lol, but I still felt really calm going into it.

Then I got home... and hit a low.

Isn't it weird how one thing in your life can be going so well... or least be done... big cheesy grin here... but the rest be a big mess? Home is a mess. Everything about it.

We have a million things to do before we roll out of here on Tuesday.

And I feel like I don't have any help to do them.

Let me go back a few months. We had this grand plan. The man would stop working on an agreed upon date, and then collect unemployment and pack us up so that when the time came we wouldn't be stressed. There were also some career-related things he wanted to work on while he was off. Well, unemployment never came. Long story short, in this crazy state that we hate, you aren't owed unemployment simply by virtue of working for a few years. You have to seriously be granted it, like by a trial and hearing. After many weeks of BS, a fake azz "trial" wherein he was denied but told to reapply (no kidding) he was not granted any unemployment. So, ok, whatever. I still work, per usual, and we can live off of what I make. BUT this also means that for anything that is not a budgeted item, we are using savings. Ugh. Ok whatever, that's the way it turned out. That's ok. What's not ok is that we're leaving in a matter of days and my house isn't packed. What's not cool is that there was a very short list of things we decided he would be responsible for... over the last three months... and none of those things got done. (If this were his blog, he would say "yet") So I've been standing back because I hate that 'mama' role thing that happens between us when I keep trying to ask about the progress of things, it's like asking "is your homework done" everyday. I also don't like when women ask their partners to do something and then proceed to do it themselves because they don't like how the other person's doing it, so I tried not to do that either. My point is I was very purposefully standing back to let him do it his way, on his time. But, some of the things were time sensitive.

For example, our car broke down like a month ago. This became one of the things on his list of stuff to take care of. I wiped my hands of it because we decided he, who was home all day and not packing, nor working on his own projects, could handle it. Well, he didn't. I started to nag. I said do something. Get it fixed, or get it towed, or donate it to charity (it's not worth anything) just do something. I don't want the city to tow it. I don't want a ticket on it. I don't want to end up paying some stupid fee for something that can be totally avoided right before Christmas... right before we move. What does he do? Nothing. I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to pass my full time school load, my call shifts, and my clinic days, and do my job, and the other random house stuff that is my responsibility- like making sure all the bills get paid to who they're supposed to, and can not/will not deal with this car. Packing and the car = the man's job. Do you see where this is going? Yeah.

So, about two weeks ago, apparently, someone hit our broke down, parked on a residential street, car so bad that they totaled it... smashing the trunk into the midsection of the car. How did I find this out?

Well, on Monday night I opened my mailbox and had a letter from the state. Before I could read past "state vs..." I panicked and thought, "how can I be sued when I'm still a student?" and was all freaked out... until I read the rest and saw that it was state vs some other girl. Phew. So I call the investigator at the bottom of the page. He tells me this woman has hit my car and do I want to add my damages to the other damages in the case. I say, I dont know, let me talk the man and get back to you. I now start yelling about the situation cause I am pissed because I have been asking him to handle this for weeks. The next day he goes to where the car is and, of course, there's no car because the city police have towed it. He is clueless as to what to do next. And this brings me to an ultimate frustration of mine. Why in the hell can't you figure anything out?!?!? So I'm thinking, ok... he's not going to figure it out how to process through these kinds of things unless you leave it up to him to figure it out.

But he didn't take any initiative to figure things out.

So as moving day nears, I'm getting even more frustrated, and of course am looking at the days ahead, and them impending 4-8 inches of snow forecasted for tomorrow and am thinking, I gotta do this myself. He isn't going to do it. And that's when I break down. Right here in the house.

I think of all the shit I have to put up with on a daily basis. And I'm angry that there were two tasks that he had to do and he did not one of them. I have to call multiple police stations because there are a million little cities in this little azz area and I have to find exactly which one towed the car. I have to figure out how to go about paying for all the days that have accumulated from the car sitting there for soooo long as he sat here on his azz. I'm left trying to add these tasks: go to the police station to get the police report to see if this woman had any insurance, call said insurance company if it exists to file a claim, if not, get some money to pay the tow and storage fees, then go find this place and the car (this is after I've called the guy to set up some kind of deal to sign over the car to him so I can get the plates back), return the plates to the DMV- required in this dumb azz state when you cancel your car insurance policy to prove that you aren't driving an unregistered car and to prove to the tax folks that you don't owe them any money because here you must also pay property taxes on your car! I'm adding these things to a list that is already incredibly long and filled with things like: get that second physical, follow up appointment for shingles that cursed me a few weeks ago, stop by student health and get this SECOND PPD read because when I took the time to go get my immunization record yesterday they realized they had LOST the results of the one I had done in August, so "come back on Friday for an accurate set of records," a three hour meeting with my thesis advisor, a meeting with my academic advisor to check out for the semester, pick up a rental car, and on and on and on. And while you're at it, do it all on public transportation. And pack up the house cause not ONE box is really packed. And do it all in, oh, 5 days or so. And while you're at it:

"Can you make me some pancakes?"
"Are you serious?"
"Is that a no?"

Here's the thing. I'm tired. And he's sleeping... all day... most days. I know he's depressed. I know it sucks to be him, according to him, I get that. I understand how he got to this place. I watched it. I know his history. I know how far he's come. But today, right now, I don't give a shit. I'm tired.

I'm tired.

I'm tired.

And I need help. And I'm disappointed that someone who loves me is watching me, or snoring through, me work my azz off and it doesn't at all compel him to get up off his own azz. I'm teary, but they won't come. I think it will come after the move. I think it won't come because I know I have a lot to do between now and Tuesday. I am not at all confused about the fact that it will all work out. Afterall, I know me. I know I will do what needs to be done. But I'm not supposed to have to do it by myself. I swore I wasn't going to do it by myself. But what else am I going to do? There is not time to





doctorjen said...

Just sending a virtual hug. I know you know you'll get through to the other side, but man it sucks what you have to go through to get there.
Good luck pulling it all together this week. And many congrats on being done!

Rj said...

It never seems like it's over, does it? I feel your pain.

Black And Single said...
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