Breathe Easy, You've Found Me ((HUGS))

People will wonder why this blog is needed, why minority midwifery student? It's very simple actually; I was looking for this blog...but I couldn't find it...so I created it. We all have unique experiences, and every experience, every story, can help someone else. I am a black girl from the hood at an ivy league professional school. That, alone, is reason enough to write. Somebody was looking for this blog. Someone wanted proof that what I'm doing can be done - even when you come from where we come from.

To that person especially, WELCOME.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

My Anonymity

...is gone.

A classmate found my blog, and now I don't know how many others also know my identity. That's why my blog is frozen for now. You must have a login and password to read it (as those of you reading it right now know). The girl who found it happens to be the "drunk white girl" from this post. It must have been hard to read about herself. It sucks when you have to come face to face with some stuff you'd rather not deal with when you least expect it. She sent me an email. Then she sent my friend an email. They had coffee and talked it over. I'm happy for them.

I could just keep blogging publicly as though nothing has changed. The risk is that everything I say about the people I'm learning with will be analyzed, critiqued, and probably used against me. Used to say things like "see how sensitive she is" or "why don't you like me?" And even if not, people will have comments, because that's just how it is when people know a blogger's identity. Friends and I talk about my posts all the time, and that's fine, but honestly, I don't want to talk about my writing with people other than them. I don't want to explain myself. (I'm not going to explain myself.) And then there's the fact that if students know, then eventually the school I'm blogging about will no longer be anonymous, and I don't wish to sway people's opinions about whether or not they should come here because I truly believe that it's all about fit...my experiences will not be your experiences...and I try to present information in a way that makes it applicable for any school one attends. I also don't wish to be on the radar of the school. I don't want my blog held against me.

My other choice is to leave the blog open to invited guests only. The problem with this is that no one can find the damn thing if I leave it like this! I really am writing this blog for people who wanna know how to do this thing I'm doing. I know they're out there looking for tips, advice, information, proof...confirmation that this is possible for them, and I want to give them that because when I was looking for it I couldn't find it. If they can't get to it, 1/2 my reason for writing is gone.

As I'm writing this post it's becoming clear to me what I'm going to do. I don't back down from people, it's just not in me. That's why I can't go into the Hollywood video on a certain street anymore...I just don't know when to close my mouth! Never have, probably never will...but it's OK, I love myself just the same. I don't usually say things about people that I can't/won't say to them directly, so defending myself won't be an issue. However, I write a lot of personal stuff, and one thing I don't like is having my business out in the street...so some posts from my previous blog are probably going to be deleted/hidden as drafts. That sucks.

I feel vulnerable, but I refuse to be silenced.

My blog is a true representation of who I am and what I stand for. And one of the things I stand for, unwaveringly, is the advancement of poor black folks, especially through the avenue of post-secondary education. I think I'm completely under the radar of the school, but if that changes any time soon, I will just have to be who the hell I am and keep it movin'.

Midwives are strong women because they must always advocate for themselves and teach women how to do the same if they can not figure it out on their own. We are questioned incessantly, doubted by many, and the victims of unrelenting scrutiny at times. A sister from the class of 2007 said we are warrior women. So eventually I was going to have to learn how to lay my beliefs on the table and defend them as though my life depends on it. What better place to step cautiously into the water than this blog? What better time than the present?

I am minority midwifery student and I'm not going anywhere.

3 comments:

Sage Femme said...

fuck yeah~!

AtYourCervix said...

I'm glad you made your blog open again - otherwise I would have never discovered it today!!! THANK YOU!!

Dark Daughta said...

I think that the nature of my blog means that not many approach me directly. But I have had a few odd interactions really indirect angry ones that I wondered if it was a particular person was doing a version of blogsiding me. Truthfully, I don't talk to people I encounter. I leave that to papi because interacing was excruciating before I started blogging. Blogging just means I've jettisoned enough stuff to leave the house at peace with myself. :) My family probably reads my blog, but they don't talk to me, so I really do hope they read my blog.

I've had moments sort of like the one you describe, feeling vulnerable, too clear for anyone to read, but I reminded myself that I hate the silence, the lies, the hiding, the half truths...hate all of it. I use myself as guinea pig showing the folks who read that it really is possible to speak/write openly and survive.

So, thank you for deciding to keep on keeping on. I appreciate the warrior midwife in you.

And yeah, I'm glad you've surfaced and that you and the man are talking. He can only be the better for it. He's lucky to have a partner who cares enough to speak open and brave rather than just smooth things over.