A Very Long Night

I surfed the net, and cried.

Watched the MySpace AKA Tribute over and over again and cried.

Ate dinner, and cried.

Did homework, and cried.

Tried to watch tv, and cried.

Looked at pictures, and cried, and cried, and cried.

Watched the news videos and cried and cried and cried and cried.

I don't know. I just don't get it. I know there's nothing to get. I know it doesn't make sense. I know that time heals people. I know that even when the child you lose is the only one you had, there is still life somewhere within you...but I can't see it. I wonder how her parents continue to breathe. How the sun keeps shining. How the world keeps turning, how we, as people, keep trudging along...filling gaps in time, years of our lives, with mundane tasks...giving so much time to people we don't know, don't even particularly care for...in a race...to get to where? To buy the biggest house, the best material goods...trying to escape something...escape feeling something...we've got it all wrong. I don't know what it's supposed to be, what my everyday is supposed to be...but it aint this...the women, the people, their children, yes, but the rest...I don't know. Again, I'm far away. So very far away. My life is a series of tasks, each one seems even more meaningless than the last. In the absence of being surrounded by the rest of community that knew her, loved her, I am stuck in this fog by myself, remembering.

Remembering study group...10pm...11pm...midnight Starbucks run...1am...trying to memorize the bones, muscles, and blood flow of the human body

Remembering us at Buffalo Wind Wings on Tuesday nights...us at Chipotle for study break...us closing down the library, moving to the computer lab...us making Ramen Noodles in the cafeteria before it closed for the night...

Remembering trying to convince her to get rid of her gold and diamond grillz and super duper nails-"you gotta get a more professional hair style, too, Brittany...yes, wear a suit...no, not a green one..." before her nursing school interviews...me doing mock interviews over the phone with her for two nights before her interviews...her calling me at the interviews, scared shitless...

Remembering lab...the dead cat...us trying to get through dissection, thinking why did we get in the same group...damn...now we have to touch it!

Remembering the purse party...she loved, LOVED, some purses...and the hair...omg, the hair...never a dull moment with that hair...endless conversations about...hair...

Remembering taking pictures after the Goodrich sophomore graduation...her and those pearls...rock it Brittany...

Remembering her arguing with Tory...fighting with Tory...beating down the apartment door trying to get to Tory...her loving, loving, loving Tory...always...

Remembering... Brittany Williams

Her saying, "you can't leave me...what am I supposed to do?"

Me saying, "you can do this without me, and you still have S and PB."

Her: [a long whine]

Me: "You'll live."

And then I came here. And we emailed and called, but mostly texted, and I tried to keep up because otherwise school is consuming. I don't talk to most people very often. I used to talk to my mama everyday, but now even that doesn't happen. I remember Brittany sent me a one liner email:

"Am I ever going to talk to you again?"

Then I tried to call or email more often. People matter to me. I am an emotional, people person, to those I know. I am distant, and hardly moved by those I don't. For me, without family and community, there is nothing else. So here I am, over a thousand miles away, trying to figure out how I got here, so far away from almost every person who means anything to me at all. How I manage to continue living this far away from friends and family, like Brittany. How today is a new day in the world, even though she's gone.

She's gone.

Just like that. One day you're here, the next you're not. One moment you're picking up food for your dad, trying to make his life easier, trying to do something nice for somebody else...the next moment you're gone.

She's gone.

But I can see her. I can hear her voice. But she's not here...it's...unreal.


She's gone.


She's gone.