So much has happened. So much happened before I abruptly went private for the second time in my blog life. I contemplated seeing if I could sum it up in one sentence...because, really, does it matter what happened? Or is what is happening now, and what will happen in the future matter more?
I freaked completely out. But before this, so much other stuff happened, including this moment in some other universe when a professor called me out about my blog in front of my entire midwifery cohort. There it was, a public outing, real, unquestionable, unchangeable loss of anonymity. I built walls around my 'home' immediately. Self preservation instinct maybe. Maybe not. Nonetheless, I closed up shop here very quickly, and have been out of business ever since.
It's all a jumbled mess in my head, and all I ever get out is "they're crazy." But it's more than that. This experience has changed me, it continues to change me, even while I resist some of the things I find most damaging. Resisting is hard. Maybe too hard. I believe in giving in to some extent, because I think you have to give in order to grow, in order to change into who you want to be or who you could be if who you think you want to be could move out of the way. But then there are other things that I am not at all interested in changing, things that matter to me no matter what kind of system or culture I currently find myself in. Those are the things I will fight for, resist for, stand for all the time, every time.
Or will I?
I lost half the hair on my head over the past semester. I will have to cut it off and start over.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
You are not alone...my favorite saying perhaps the only thing that gets me through is "And this too shall pass." As difficult as it may seem and as trapped and misunderstood as you feel...it too shall pass. Cling to your dreams, cling to your husband, and with all that is in you hold on to your sanity. And when you make that cut again remember you are not and cannot be defined by something as trivial as hair. Remember when I cried after assessment lab...I had to take a deep breath and realize I am much more than hair. Keep in touch and did you still need help with your thesis?
As a woman who was bald for 3 years from medication - and never hid it once - I do understand the vanity aspects... and that it is an outer display of inner turmoil.
If I could say something encouraging, it would be to shave it off and every time you see yourself in your reflection, visualize power and strength in taking a stand on your own behalf.
Don't let them get to you anymore. I, too, wish I could explain that this time will be nothing but memories in just a moment's time. Some horrid, some pleasant. Staying in the moment and FEELING them, imprinting them in your brain and writing about them will help you years from now as you tell hilarious stories about midwifery school. Some of the most awful experiences in my life have turned into the most hysterical stories over time.
And perhaps if we know we'll laugh about it in the future... maybe we should laugh more in the present.
*hugs*
Post a Comment