"There are the subtle differences between what I read and what I see, and even then I know I'm not getting the full picture."
Yep, there are, and that is why I'm tense...that's compartmentalizing...that's you getting to see me mostly masked because of the environment we're in...I am more of me, here, on this blog, than I am at school, and even so, I sensor myself on this blog... When we're talking at school, despite the fact that I am probably the least censored of those around me, I am still censored...I think it's hard for people to wrap their minds around an even more 'direct' me, a me who curses more than I already do...a me who takes up more space than they already see me taking...a me who is angrier, and softer than they get to see, a me who says even more than she already does about who and what she sees, without apology ...omg she must be ... be... an utterly impossible person.
The person who gets the most unmasked of me is the man, when in our home...and that's taking full account of the fact that sometimes I'm masked I don't even realize it!
I have a LOT to say, but right now I'm off to a meeting, then clinical...but I wanted to say something before tonight.
I think I'll be responding both here and in person, because I think that's step one of integrating the compartments for me...and I don't mind one bit if you continue to comment because whatever discrepancies you see are not off limits, they're not things I'm trying to hide...
And this conversation is not suprising to me, I knew it would come...that's one reason why there was SO MUCH ANXIETY that came with losing anonymity!
Thursday, February 14, 2008
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Respect.
You are massively important and special. Not just for where you come from that grounds you but also because of what you try to integrate as you straddle different places and study and move towards doing the work of midwifery.
You will be a midwife the babes will be lucky to encounter on their first days.
Don't be fearful. You're a sentinenl and a guardian. Sentinels and guardians have to be able to see clear.
Yes, I'm one of the gushy birth romantics. Trust me I know that there's blood and shit and piss and other assorted bits of goo :) I like goo. ;) sigh...
But there's spirit there, too. You walk with the mothers when we walk in between. You haven't seen the place. Haven't felt the place yet. I know the white wimmin can get all new agey in ways that doesn't leave them space to talk race.
I think Black wimmin can get all up in the spirit and incorporate race and discuss birth as an emotional wonder, a spiritual wonder and energetic passing from two physically linked, emotionally linked to two separated physically yet still emotionally bonded...the energy expelled and directed and flowing when this happens is massive.
I don't bother to talk this way with the white wimmin because I think their discomfort with race would allow them to ignore their white privilege.
But I am a birth romantic, a mama new agey. It's just that I'm Black and queer and feminist so my crystals have edges and my fragrant oils are mixed with over proof white rum. hee, hee, hee...
In any case, I responded to another one of the comments you left over at my place. When you have the space here's the link...
http://darkdaughta.blogspot.com/2008/02/i-want-rage-beauty-wholeness.html
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