Wading Through the Madness

Slowly but surely I am wading through the process of printing lecture materials, syllabi, and articles for each class that is available. Last year I learned to print early because when everyone waits to print right before class, it is pure madness and you end up printing stuff (paying for stuff) that you never get. Hopefully I can avoid some of that.

Settling In

Since I have gotten yet another immunization + PPD, updated my ID with it's shiny new magenta sticker, turned in most of my registration forms, and set up some of the first meetings on my calender for this semester, I can officially say that I am settling into the school year. I don't feel so overwhelmed anymore...now I'm at my regular nursing school stress level, and at this point, that feels good.

OMG

It's here and I'm not ready.
I can't be overwhelmed this early.
I have to find the calm.

Nesting

Over at a fellow student nurse-midwife's blog I just read a post about nesting. Nesting is the term used to describe the time at which a woman who is at the end of her pregnancy readies herself and her environment for the inevitable birth. I realize now that I, too, have been nesting.

I have been trying to finish the novel I'm reading, keep the house clean, wash up as many clothes as I can afford, and plan out meals for the next two weeks all in an effort to prepare for what's ahead of me when I can no longer do all of these things successfully. I am also throwing out a lot of those "school's about to start" hints to the man. I think he's ready, and that's priceless.

The Six Days of Hibernation

are officially over. Today, I left the house. I met the man downtown to return some BB rentals and run a few last minute errands. I was sleep up until the minute he called and asked me to meet him there. One more day (tomorrow) before the school year is in full swing.

*sigh*

Get Up, Get Out

School is coming. fast.

Wednesday is orientation, and I'm not ready. There are so many things I would like to have done before Wednesday. The truth is I have the time, but no motivation yet. I have to run some errands but I HATE running errands without a car because it takes FOREVER.

I haven't left the house in 5 days.

Tomorrow is the day I conquer my laziness and denial.

The Friend with Cancer Dance

There is this new dance that I notice I'm learning now. I have a very dear friend with stage IIB cervical cancer. I got to spend time with her and her family while I was home for a quick summer break, and things were pretty close to normal, including her appearance which I was grateful for because if she looked sick I would not have been able to lie about it - that's just how we are. But now I'm back home with the man (over a thousand miles away) so we're back to phone calls. This is when the dance takes place. She is the lead, because she is the one with cancer. So that leaves me trying to follow her ups/glides (I didn't throw up today. I bathed today. I got out of bed today. I left the house today) and her downs/dips (The PAIN. Nausea. Constipation. Did I already say PAIN?) without stepping on her toes or missing the beat. To not register the difference between I'm calling because I want to have a normal "everything is not about me" conversation and "I have cancer dammit!" is to miss the beat. As a dance partner I want to be able to not only keep to the beat, but also to anticipate the next step. In other words, I want to know the side effects of the medications and be ready with some suggestions to combat them. I want to have a story that's funny when it's needed, or an effective listening ear even if there's only moaning on the other end. I want to remember to send texted motivation and inspiration. To turn my phone up at night so I can hear it if it ever rings. This is a weird dance. I thought it would be easier because I call myself a compassionate person, but the truth is it's harder. I have to continually convince myself to not walk on eggshells because we are not egg shell friends. But these are different circumstances. It's like trying to still drop it like it's hot after you've comprehended the lyrics. Or trying waltz to Reggaeton. It's pretend. How does one pretend as though cancer is not the only thing that matters in this moment? I'm not good at pretending.

Let's hope I'm a good dancer.

Sage Femme's Version of a TAG, LOL

I am a daily reader of Sage Femme's blog, and she has tagged her readers:

*RULES - Post rules before giving the facts - Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves - People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules - At the end of the your blog you need to tag six people and list their names - Leave them a comment on their blog, telling them they have been tagged and not to forget to read your blog.*

1. I love television...despite the fact that I think it has ruined our nation's intelligence and that there is hardly ever anything worth watching. I even have TiVo.

2. If we ever have kids my husband will stay home to raise them while I work more than full time as a CNM. I think I would be a good mother, but I think he would be an even better father. My ambivalence about having them keeps me from having them.

3. I sometimes reach for the phone before it rings and dream things before they happen. I am not psychic, but I do believe in intuition, and I think mine is strong. When I was very young I named my cabbage patch doll KaAsiaAnastasia. 20 years later I found out I have a sister named Anastasia.

4. I think poor people should have equal access to fertility treatments. Yes, you read that correctly.

5. I think marijuana should be legal, and therefore everybody in jail for crimes related to it should be released. I am hoping to go to this year's Cannabis Cup, held annually in Amsterdam, with the man.

6. I have a "neck thing." I feel a dash of physical pain when someone's neck is broken in a movie, or when watching fake wrestling, or when people crack their neck. I always think cracking my neck will feel good, but I am afraid I will accidently break it and die!

7. I keep pressing my mama to buy a house because I simply can not imagine buying one for myself before she has one for herself. And I worry a lot about how I will take care of my parents when they get too old to take care of themselves. I hope they all agree to live in one big house together, because otherwise I won't be able to afford it.

8. If I weren't married I'd probably leave this country for good within 5 years of graduation.

I hereby tag: That Big Girl and ChiaLing81

In Memoriam: Rhetaugh Dumas, PhD

I had the honor of meeting Dr. Dumas a few months ago when she came to town to speak. But more than meeting her, she came to my school and had an intimate lunch with me and my fellow students of the brown folks group we created and other students who were interested in meeting her. It made me completely homesick because she reminded me of my paternal grandmother. She is from Natchez, Mississippi and my grandma is from Tchula, Mississippi. I will let you read about her accomplishments (there were so many) for yourself, including many "firsts" and 10 honorary doctorates on top of the one she "earned." Instead of listing those things, I will share some of the things she said to us about succeeding in graduate nursing school having come from poverty that really stuck with me:

I had to work twice as hard just to keep up.

I told myself, 'if she can do it, I can do it.' And I'm telling you, now, 'if I can do it, YOU can do it.'

It's not about what I did, but how I thought about it. There is no explanationfor how I got here, except that I thought about it a lot. You have to give your life, what you're doing, the thought it deserves.

When I was frustrated with being the only one [brown person], I talked myself through it until I got over it, but it didn't happen often.

What is it in your history that would make you think that you can't do this? There is no precedent for failure in this, so why do you believe that you will fail?

Dr. Dumas died of cancer on July 22nd. She was, is, a true inspiration. Click here to read about her life.

Often times I feel as though the universe is telling me something about the magnitude of my life. When I was home for break last week, my mother gave me a picture of me and Barbara Jordan. I will add it to that of me and Faith Ringgold. And now I can add the photo of me and Dr. Dumas to that collection. As I think about the women I am meeting, including the personal friends and family in my life, I realize that I am being groomed for something bigger than I ever allow myself to acknowledge.

Class Line Up: Fall 2007

Nurse-Midwifery Primary Care
Well Woman Care & Gynecology (+ Clinical)
Advanced Pathophysiology
Advanced Health Assessment w/ Lab
Research
Statistics

It's a lot, but I am reminded of something Dr. Dumas told me:

If they can do it, you can do it.

WELCOME!

Welcome to my new blog! And to those of you who came over with me from minority nursing student blog, welcome back, and thanks for following me over!

This blog will chronicle my life as a midwifery student for the next two years. I am in a "direct entry accelerated nursing program," which means that I came into graduate school for nursing without any previous nursing education. I have to earn my RN in route to the MSN. The first year of the program was for RN licensure - that is the year that I already completed. To read about that experience (and applying to the program) please visit minority nursing student!

Now I have two years of school left in this program, and they are dedicated to midwifery. I am unbelievably excited to start this part of the journey and I am looking forward to sharing my experiences here.

People will wonder why this blog is needed, why *minority* midwifery student? It's very simple actually. I was looking for this blog before I created it, but I couldn't find it. We all have unique experiences, and every experience, every story, can help someone else. I am a black girl from the hood at an ivy league professional school. That, all by itself, is reason enough to write.

Somebody was looking for this blog. Someone wanted proof that what I'm doing can be done - even when you come from where we come from.

To that person especially, WELCOME.