WAIT There's More

I'm happy. Very, very, happy.

Ok, that's all. :o)

Comprehensive Exam

I took and passed my comprehensive exam last week.

Relief.

I sat in my last class of nursing/midwifery school... ever... last week. 

Bliss.

Some folks were nostalgic, some sad, some tired, some indifferent. I fall into the "tired" category. As we sat listening to presentations and sharing our thoughts with faculty about this experience, I realized that I had left, mentally, long ago. Home, for me, was already waiting. I couldn't wait to get back to the man. Back to my apartment. My bed. My new city.  I will finish my thesis over the next couple of days, and then I'll be done. One of my classmates summed it best: "I'm getting my MSN, and no matter what happens after this, no one can take that away from me." Ditto.

I'm sitting here trying to apply for jobs. It's weird. I apply for random jobs, so far only one them as a midwife. One as an RN. One as a secretary. One for the federal government. After midwifery being my life for three years... it's like I want a break from it, I don't want anything to do with it.... I'm kind of burnt out.  Also, midwifery is not really like I thought it'd be. I have yet to give comprehensive care to a woman from conception to birth. I never got to catch the baby of a woman I met more than once or twice. Most babies I caught were to women I had never met. This isn't what imagined for my life when I went into it, so it's been a little weird trying to re-imagine midwifery and my place in it. There's still a place or two that I'd work as a full scope midwife, so all is not lost, but I'm definitely broadening my career outlook. I'm also thinking about working in environments that are friendly for the "trying to conceive" life we're going to be entering... and sadly, ironically, midwifery isn't always the best career for that!?!? 

And on top of it all, I'm always looking for a doctoral program... but I'd also like to buy a home before I do that ( I know that sounds backwards since technically I might find a really great school in another part of the country, but basically I want to be completely settled before going back to school... I'm sick of apartments, sick of moving, sick of starting over, and if that means I will have to choose a local school, so be it.)

Exam Week

I'm supposed to be studying for my comprehensive exam, but really I can't even get into a groove. Burnout is here and settled. I feel like if I don't know it by now, after 3 years of school, I'm not going to know in the next two days, and the best thing I can do for myself is relax. I miss the blogsphere. I miss writing. I miss my life of long ago, lol. I applied for one CNM job that I'm not expecting to get. And one RN job that I really thought I was a good candidate for, but never got a call back.

I need to apply to much more, but I really am not sure I want to spend more time doing full scope midwifery just yet... integration was amazing, but also very, very tiring and even at 3/4 the schedule of a real midwife, I don't think I could keep up that pace for very long... 

Ciarin, (and the rest of you ;o) how in the world do you do it?

It's Coming

It's been months, I know. And I'm sorry. I really am.

But this is hard. 

Period.

This is my last week of integration. 14 loooong weeks coming to an end. 

I just finished looking at the feedback from my thesis draft.

And it hit me...

I might actually do this...

I might actually graduate from this institution...

Maybe some people read that and thought, "well, duh." But I tell you I still only halfway believe I'm even here... so this... this is just

A lot to process.

I think about it and I get teary, my heart beats fast, and I have to take deep breaths and tell myself it's not over yet... that I haven't done it... yet...

But by the grace of God, it's coming...

One day soon I'm not going to have to talk myself down off the excitement ledge... I'm gonna jump head first into blissful self rejoicing so strong that I forget my own name.

Oh yes. 

It's coming.