What Has Happened

So much has happened. So much happened before I abruptly went private for the second time in my blog life. I contemplated seeing if I could sum it up in one sentence...because, really, does it matter what happened? Or is what is happening now, and what will happen in the future matter more?

I freaked completely out. But before this, so much other stuff happened, including this moment in some other universe when a professor called me out about my blog in front of my entire midwifery cohort. There it was, a public outing, real, unquestionable, unchangeable loss of anonymity. I built walls around my 'home' immediately. Self preservation instinct maybe. Maybe not. Nonetheless, I closed up shop here very quickly, and have been out of business ever since.

It's all a jumbled mess in my head, and all I ever get out is "they're crazy." But it's more than that. This experience has changed me, it continues to change me, even while I resist some of the things I find most damaging. Resisting is hard. Maybe too hard. I believe in giving in to some extent, because I think you have to give in order to grow, in order to change into who you want to be or who you could be if who you think you want to be could move out of the way. But then there are other things that I am not at all interested in changing, things that matter to me no matter what kind of system or culture I currently find myself in. Those are the things I will fight for, resist for, stand for all the time, every time.

Or will I?

I lost half the hair on my head over the past semester. I will have to cut it off and start over.

Stepping Away from the Ledge

Today I came across the blogs of several classmates. They have come into my life secondary to all the pings they've accumulated between each other as Down's Fellows and through their facebook promoting. They are not at all concerned with anonymity nor do they fear backlash for the words they choose to put to the page. Pictures abound.

The first thing that came to my mind when I started reading was freedom. That's what they have. So much space to write, to think, to feel. Sadness wells up inside my chest.

I miss my blog. I miss what my blog stood for. I miss that feeling of "if nothing else, I am helping the next." I miss having a place to come to where I can dump my thoughts and see them again, where I can claim space without explanation. I am only now realizing the full magnitude of what my own blog means to me. It was like an external brain. Sometimes I wrote in altered consciousness and only realized it when I went back and read something that I didn't remember writing or that I didn't realize I had such strong feelings about until I read my words on the page. I felt empowered by reading my own words. This was a home away from home. I have lost my home.

I had a revelation the other day...I stopped writing here because it no longer felt safe. My home no longer felt safe. But even after making it so private that I have only 3 readers, I still don't write because now my purpose for writing eludes me. It is not as though I need an audience to write...but remember the saying "if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" It's like speaking with laryngitis...you can have important stuff to say, but if no one hears it, what did you really say?

To be fair, I understand that it probably won't always be like this. But in the same token...I will never live what I'm living in these present moments again either...they have to be captured as they are, as they happen, before time erodes the emotion behind the words.

When it comes to this blog, I don't know what I'm doing...where I'm going...anymore. It was supposed to be an act of self preservation to privatize, but it doesn't feel like preservation, it feels like death.

I'm trying to back away from the ledge that leads to the abyss that is my life after silencing my voice in this place, but I don't know how...

Coming Out From Under

I've been laying around, but reading other blogs in the mean time. Thanks everyone for checking in on me! I've been healing just fine physically from the dental surgery (stiches have been removed) but the rest of it...the emotional and mental, and the financial burden is taking a little longer. $618 could have been two plane tickets out of here...that would have been nice, but I'm also looking forward to a childfree family Christmas here at home with just the two of us. We'll have to do something grown and sexy.

Me and the man have been dissecting that day and it's tedious. The comments folks left on that post was a great jump off point for the conversations that had to be had. But because yesterday I had yet another "I've been reading your blog!" interaction, I have a bit of writer's block, and am still trying to find a way to not censor myself...yes, I realize the irony...the only way to do it is to keep writing. I had to go back and read my own anonymity post like 5 times. I guess part of the fun of reading blogs is trying to figure out who/where the person is. Apparently, once you figure out the school I attend (which is easy to do if you actually go here because I listed my course schedule not so long ago (doh!), figuring out which black student I am is not so hard....in fact it's easy enough to allow folks to walk up to you and confidently say that they read your blog. My friend pointed out that, duh, the rest of them aren't married. How simple was that. It's stressing me out, but what can I do? Keep it movin.

Anyway. I took a brutal Patho exam yesterday. Finished fast, but it was all a blur. The GYN exam over that massive number of units went well enough, and now I'm in the middle of preparing for 2 presentations. I'm ready for the semester to be over, but not ready for next semester to start so I guess I'll just take this moment for exactly what it is.

Thanksgiving was great. Made the 6ish hour trek to the inlaws. Ate good food. Spent an obnoxious number of hours braiding my MIL's hair. Went to see This Christmas. Did some day after Thanksgiving browsing, and didn't buy a thing. Didn't study one ounce of Patho, and didn't regret it. (Screw tests that happen the day folks come back from break!) Now I'm trying to catch up, but that's fine by me.

My Anonymity

...is gone.

A classmate found my blog, and now I don't know how many others also know my identity. That's why my blog is frozen for now. You must have a login and password to read it (as those of you reading it right now know). The girl who found it happens to be the "drunk white girl" from this post. It must have been hard to read about herself. It sucks when you have to come face to face with some stuff you'd rather not deal with when you least expect it. She sent me an email. Then she sent my friend an email. They had coffee and talked it over. I'm happy for them.

I could just keep blogging publicly as though nothing has changed. The risk is that everything I say about the people I'm learning with will be analyzed, critiqued, and probably used against me. Used to say things like "see how sensitive she is" or "why don't you like me?" And even if not, people will have comments, because that's just how it is when people know a blogger's identity. Friends and I talk about my posts all the time, and that's fine, but honestly, I don't want to talk about my writing with people other than them. I don't want to explain myself. (I'm not going to explain myself.) And then there's the fact that if students know, then eventually the school I'm blogging about will no longer be anonymous, and I don't wish to sway people's opinions about whether or not they should come here because I truly believe that it's all about fit...my experiences will not be your experiences...and I try to present information in a way that makes it applicable for any school one attends. I also don't wish to be on the radar of the school. I don't want my blog held against me.

My other choice is to leave the blog open to invited guests only. The problem with this is that no one can find the damn thing if I leave it like this! I really am writing this blog for people who wanna know how to do this thing I'm doing. I know they're out there looking for tips, advice, information, proof...confirmation that this is possible for them, and I want to give them that because when I was looking for it I couldn't find it. If they can't get to it, 1/2 my reason for writing is gone.

As I'm writing this post it's becoming clear to me what I'm going to do. I don't back down from people, it's just not in me. That's why I can't go into the Hollywood video on a certain street anymore...I just don't know when to close my mouth! Never have, probably never will...but it's OK, I love myself just the same. I don't usually say things about people that I can't/won't say to them directly, so defending myself won't be an issue. However, I write a lot of personal stuff, and one thing I don't like is having my business out in the street...so some posts from my previous blog are probably going to be deleted/hidden as drafts. That sucks.

I feel vulnerable, but I refuse to be silenced.

My blog is a true representation of who I am and what I stand for. And one of the things I stand for, unwaveringly, is the advancement of poor black folks, especially through the avenue of post-secondary education. I think I'm completely under the radar of the school, but if that changes any time soon, I will just have to be who the hell I am and keep it movin'.

Midwives are strong women because they must always advocate for themselves and teach women how to do the same if they can not figure it out on their own. We are questioned incessantly, doubted by many, and the victims of unrelenting scrutiny at times. A sister from the class of 2007 said we are warrior women. So eventually I was going to have to learn how to lay my beliefs on the table and defend them as though my life depends on it. What better place to step cautiously into the water than this blog? What better time than the present?

I am minority midwifery student and I'm not going anywhere.