Stepping Away from the Ledge

Today I came across the blogs of several classmates. They have come into my life secondary to all the pings they've accumulated between each other as Down's Fellows and through their facebook promoting. They are not at all concerned with anonymity nor do they fear backlash for the words they choose to put to the page. Pictures abound.

The first thing that came to my mind when I started reading was freedom. That's what they have. So much space to write, to think, to feel. Sadness wells up inside my chest.

I miss my blog. I miss what my blog stood for. I miss that feeling of "if nothing else, I am helping the next." I miss having a place to come to where I can dump my thoughts and see them again, where I can claim space without explanation. I am only now realizing the full magnitude of what my own blog means to me. It was like an external brain. Sometimes I wrote in altered consciousness and only realized it when I went back and read something that I didn't remember writing or that I didn't realize I had such strong feelings about until I read my words on the page. I felt empowered by reading my own words. This was a home away from home. I have lost my home.

I had a revelation the other day...I stopped writing here because it no longer felt safe. My home no longer felt safe. But even after making it so private that I have only 3 readers, I still don't write because now my purpose for writing eludes me. It is not as though I need an audience to write...but remember the saying "if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" It's like speaking with laryngitis...you can have important stuff to say, but if no one hears it, what did you really say?

To be fair, I understand that it probably won't always be like this. But in the same token...I will never live what I'm living in these present moments again either...they have to be captured as they are, as they happen, before time erodes the emotion behind the words.

When it comes to this blog, I don't know what I'm doing...where I'm going...anymore. It was supposed to be an act of self preservation to privatize, but it doesn't feel like preservation, it feels like death.

I'm trying to back away from the ledge that leads to the abyss that is my life after silencing my voice in this place, but I don't know how...

My Anonymity

...is gone.

A classmate found my blog, and now I don't know how many others also know my identity. That's why my blog is frozen for now. You must have a login and password to read it (as those of you reading it right now know). The girl who found it happens to be the "drunk white girl" from this post. It must have been hard to read about herself. It sucks when you have to come face to face with some stuff you'd rather not deal with when you least expect it. She sent me an email. Then she sent my friend an email. They had coffee and talked it over. I'm happy for them.

I could just keep blogging publicly as though nothing has changed. The risk is that everything I say about the people I'm learning with will be analyzed, critiqued, and probably used against me. Used to say things like "see how sensitive she is" or "why don't you like me?" And even if not, people will have comments, because that's just how it is when people know a blogger's identity. Friends and I talk about my posts all the time, and that's fine, but honestly, I don't want to talk about my writing with people other than them. I don't want to explain myself. (I'm not going to explain myself.) And then there's the fact that if students know, then eventually the school I'm blogging about will no longer be anonymous, and I don't wish to sway people's opinions about whether or not they should come here because I truly believe that it's all about fit...my experiences will not be your experiences...and I try to present information in a way that makes it applicable for any school one attends. I also don't wish to be on the radar of the school. I don't want my blog held against me.

My other choice is to leave the blog open to invited guests only. The problem with this is that no one can find the damn thing if I leave it like this! I really am writing this blog for people who wanna know how to do this thing I'm doing. I know they're out there looking for tips, advice, information, proof...confirmation that this is possible for them, and I want to give them that because when I was looking for it I couldn't find it. If they can't get to it, 1/2 my reason for writing is gone.

As I'm writing this post it's becoming clear to me what I'm going to do. I don't back down from people, it's just not in me. That's why I can't go into the Hollywood video on a certain street anymore...I just don't know when to close my mouth! Never have, probably never will...but it's OK, I love myself just the same. I don't usually say things about people that I can't/won't say to them directly, so defending myself won't be an issue. However, I write a lot of personal stuff, and one thing I don't like is having my business out in the street...so some posts from my previous blog are probably going to be deleted/hidden as drafts. That sucks.

I feel vulnerable, but I refuse to be silenced.

My blog is a true representation of who I am and what I stand for. And one of the things I stand for, unwaveringly, is the advancement of poor black folks, especially through the avenue of post-secondary education. I think I'm completely under the radar of the school, but if that changes any time soon, I will just have to be who the hell I am and keep it movin'.

Midwives are strong women because they must always advocate for themselves and teach women how to do the same if they can not figure it out on their own. We are questioned incessantly, doubted by many, and the victims of unrelenting scrutiny at times. A sister from the class of 2007 said we are warrior women. So eventually I was going to have to learn how to lay my beliefs on the table and defend them as though my life depends on it. What better place to step cautiously into the water than this blog? What better time than the present?

I am minority midwifery student and I'm not going anywhere.